The first scene of Indy IV is so shockingly awful that you wonder whether it was intended to be so. I suspect they filmed it right at the end knowing that the pile of crap they had in front of them might as well stink from the first frame onwards. That way you at least know what you’re going to expect. Hopes immediately crushed, you can then concentrate on snogging your date or enjoying silent popcorn burps. I suppose we should be grateful.

I’m not going to describe the particular abomination in question because some things should be experienced in their full, unanticipated splendour. Let’s just say that Lucas and Spielberg have opened their bladder over the Indiana Jones of yore and should both be arrested for a display of public immorality that even Binks rose above. Yes, you heard it right: Phantom Menace was better. Indy IV is a leaden, dull, dimwitted, tiring piece of cinematic Scheiss. If you are on the fence about seeing it, please don’t go. Do not reward their sorry arses.

Wow, guys, how did we miss this topic before? MARTIAL ARTS. And I’ll say it right now, this movie, Undefeatable, is the front-runner, despite what you Gymkata and Surf Ninjas fans say.

So, what are the worst Martial Arts films available on Netflix?

You asked for it, jerks. You made me watch From Justin to Kelly: the Tale of Two American Idols. And I watched it. And my wife watched it too, and my dog.

It was not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. (more…)

Read this. Possibly the worst advice on what to watch tonight. Stupid NY Times.

There is a list out there somewhere of life-altering experiences that each one of us should have before we die. Burn incense at Kathmandu. Visit the Grand Canyon. See the Mona Lisa.

Viewing SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is not on that list. If it were on the list, it would be near the bottom, along with performing Cast Away style dentistry and having a Silkwood shower. This is the worst one I’ve had to watch so far, people. I know I say that every review, but this time I mean it: I really hate each one of you with all my heart. I mean, just look at that poster.

This film was far smellier than my twins’ diapers. (more…)

If you watch Battlestar Galactica, don’t click here. Seriously, don’t read the invisible text on that page. DON’T. I am not kidding you.

You’ve been warned.

I can see why some of you think that this review is a long time in coming. But you see, I have transcended all of your primitive notions of time. And logic. And taste. Yes, that is a monkeylizard in the photo. (more…)

Underdog, the live action movie. (more…)

It was a nightmare. Blood, corpses, the stench of the dead everywhere.

And then I watched the movie. (more…)

File under: Schwartzenegger wrestles man in bear suit.

Movies that involve the Greek gods are always problematic. Clash of the Titans, Troy, you name it — they’re all fairly mediocre. Hercules In New York, a 1969 masterpiece and Arnold Schwartzenegger’s first feature film, seems to recognize this problem and confronts things head-on — by deliberately making the film as terrible as possible from the onset.

Some of you may recall the movie Scanners, in which people with telekinetic abilities make other people’s heads explode. Upon viewing Hercules in New York, I have become convinced that either Schwartzenegger or the film’s producer, Aubrey Wisberg, are in fact Scanners themselves, planted among us to snare the unsuspecting and make their heads asplode. (more…)

People have been raving about Most eXtreme Primate for years, and at last I know what all the hype is about. (more…)

They’re remaking THUNDERCATS. It looks terrible. Read about it here.

The horror. The horror. (more…)

I hate you all. (more…)

POLL RESULT: Battlefield Earth wins and will be watched this week (shudder).

It’s all over, folks. But something new is coming. (more…)

Getting decked out in your team’s paraphanalia may not seem so extreme, but to me dressing like this or this to attend a match on foreign turf is an extreme act of faith. It’s really a very high stakes wager with far more potential downside than upside. If your team wins, the fact that you’re dressed up adds a little bit to the excitement of the win. If they lose, you look and feel like a total tool and, especially in unfriendly territory, you become an easy, prominent target for taunting and, in the case of Americans overseas, possibly for anti-war protests (kidding (kind of)). (more…)

“I have to get to a library — FAST!”

Based upon one of the bestselling books in recent history, The Da Vinci Code brings together Audrey Tautou (Amelie), Jean Reno (Ronin), Ian McKellen (Gods & Monsters) and Tom Hanks (Turner & Hooch). Directed by Ron Howard and written by Akiva Goldsman (writer/screenplay for Batman & Robin and I, Robot), The Da Vinci Code is a big-budget, big-actored movie that ultimately turns out to be a big mess. Sorry, Dan Brown fans.

SPOILERS HO! (but don’t worry, they won’t ruin the movie for you.) (more…)

Congratulations, Supergenius!

x = (Pi+3)/2
2x = Pi+3
2x(Pi-3) = (Pi+3)(Pi-3)
2Pix-6x = Pi^2-9
9-6x = Pi^2-2Pix
9-6x+x^2 = Pi^2-2Pix+x^2
(3-x)^2 = (Pi-x)^2
3-x = Pi-x
Pi = 3

If you live in New York you walk. If you’re my wife you walk a step behind me. If you’re me you want to push into oncoming traffic those not following the unspoken, unwritten rules of sidewalk walking.

The underlying principle is that sidewalks are streets for pedestrians. There are rules, just like traffic laws, that if followed, can help us to efficiently/effectively/safely walk down our sidewalks. The following are a few of those rules: (more…)

When you get an hour to kill you should watch this video about 9/11. It’s quite fascinating. There’s a lot of “evidence” and even some evidence to a government conspiracy.

However, I have two major disputes:

1) This film doesn’t even touch motive. I don’t know what Bush’s bottom-line advantage would be to blowing up the twin towers. Many people (not in this film) suggest it was to gain love/trust from Americans, to be able to invade Iraq, to get more oil money, etc. None of those seem like powerful enough reasons to kill 3,000 of your own people.

2) The likelihood of the government pulling this whole thing off without any leaks, without any government worker involved coming forward with damning evidence, without some CIA/FBI bumble is extremely, ridiculously, ludicrously unlikely.

But some of that stuff is incredibly convincing…

There are some movies that, no matter how many times I try to watch them, I’ve resigned myself to never making it to the end.

(more…)

Allison asked over in Rusty’s thread if we could start a guilty pleasure thread, about bands we shouldn’t like but do anyway.

I find this topic perplexing, as I’m not embarrassed about anything, and I’m totally with D. when he said, “Just like what you like, and leave the rest, and don’t feel guilty about it.”

Should I be embarrased for liking doom metal? Leo Sayer and Air Supply? Why?

(more…)

yesterday we “upgraded” to WordPress 2.0. However, the upgrader was SLOPPY and CARELESS and so now nobody can leave comments. We’re working on it. Later today: new Thunderdome. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: we’re fixed, and the sysadmin has been sacked.

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yer?

See the løveli lakes

The wonderful telephøne system...

And mani interesting furry animals