1. Curling. If that’s a sport then so is shuffleboard.

2. Short Track Speedskating. WTF? That’s like the summer olympics having the same track events on two separate size tracks! What is short track for, munchkins? We have a different track for short people? I say get rid of short bus speedskating and make everyone skate on the big track, like grown-ups.

3. Luge. Come on, man, those lugers aren’t doing anything except laying on a cafeteria tray like meatloaf. They can’t even see where they’re going! And that goes double for doubles luge. Any event you can do laying on top of someone else in your sock feet must go.

4. Biathlon. Since when do guns have anything to do with winter sports? You can shoot guns at targets any time of the year, in combination with any aerobic activity. So why is cross country skiing so special? Get rid of the shooting and just ski.

The first scene of Indy IV is so shockingly awful that you wonder whether it was intended to be so. I suspect they filmed it right at the end knowing that the pile of crap they had in front of them might as well stink from the first frame onwards. That way you at least know what you’re going to expect. Hopes immediately crushed, you can then concentrate on snogging your date or enjoying silent popcorn burps. I suppose we should be grateful.

I’m not going to describe the particular abomination in question because some things should be experienced in their full, unanticipated splendour. Let’s just say that Lucas and Spielberg have opened their bladder over the Indiana Jones of yore and should both be arrested for a display of public immorality that even Binks rose above. Yes, you heard it right: Phantom Menace was better. Indy IV is a leaden, dull, dimwitted, tiring piece of cinematic Scheiss. If you are on the fence about seeing it, please don’t go. Do not reward their sorry arses.