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Some excellent choices. Here’s a link to 3 Ninjas.

Wow, guys, how did we miss this topic before? MARTIAL ARTS. And I’ll say it right now, this movie, Undefeatable, is the front-runner, despite what you Gymkata and Surf Ninjas fans say.

So, what are the worst Martial Arts films available on Netflix?

You asked for it, jerks. You made me watch From Justin to Kelly: the Tale of Two American Idols. And I watched it. And my wife watched it too, and my dog.

It was not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. (more…)

You asked for it. (more…)

This will be the most brief of my reviews. It won’t be as brief as the review of Spinal Tap’s “Shark Sandwich,” but close. (more…)

Decide my fate, jerkwads. Poll’s open all weekend.

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Sigh. The next theme is –

“Chick Flicks.” What’s the worst one available on Netflix? Have at it, kids.

(personal Supergenius pick — Serendipity)

There is a list out there somewhere of life-altering experiences that each one of us should have before we die. Burn incense at Kathmandu. Visit the Grand Canyon. See the Mona Lisa.

Viewing SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is not on that list. If it were on the list, it would be near the bottom, along with performing Cast Away style dentistry and having a Silkwood shower. This is the worst one I’ve had to watch so far, people. I know I say that every review, but this time I mean it: I really hate each one of you with all my heart. I mean, just look at that poster.

This film was far smellier than my twins’ diapers. (more…)

ok, here goes nothing. Remember, I hate you. Poll’s closed. sigh.

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I officially proclaim this theme the worst so far.

Talking babies.

Look Who’s Talking, Baby Geniuses, it’s all fair game. Go ahead, pelt me with cinematic rotten eggs.

I can see why some of you think that this review is a long time in coming. But you see, I have transcended all of your primitive notions of time. And logic. And taste. Yes, that is a monkeylizard in the photo. (more…)

OK, folks, here’s what I consider to be the worst three movies that got mentioned in the earlier thread. Vote — and decide my fate.

UPDATE: Sound of Thunder wins it!!

The next Cinemasochist theme: Time Travel. Black Knight? Planet of the Apes remake? Timecop 2? Bring it on, suckas. My flux capacitor needs 1.21 gigawatts of celluloid crapola.

To repeat the rules: you all discuss the worst time travel movies, I pick the 3 worst ones available on Netflix, then we vote on which one I have to watch and review.

It might be a slight exaggeration to say that Hulk Hogan should be executed for war crimes. After all, he’s never actually been in a war. But Santa With Muscles remains an unspeakable crime against all that we hold dear. (more…)

I can already tell that I will end up hating all of you.

POLL UPDATE: I’ll be watching Santa With Muscles.

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Sob.

The next Cinemasochist theme: Santa.

yo-ho-oh-lord-no. What’s the worst movie with Santa?

It was a nightmare. Blood, corpses, the stench of the dead everywhere.

And then I watched the movie. (more…)

Wow, some bad’uns this time. I’ve taken a couple of liberties: instead of The Mongrel, which actually got some decent ratings and wasn’t on Netflix, I went with Watchers 3, which no one loves, and which involves a mutant beast in South America vs. a government-trained golden retriever.

And I couldn’t pass up Chupacabra Terror, which involves yet another south-of-the-border beast, this one on a cruise ship.

Third candidate: Sean Cassity’s pick, House of the Dead, rated one of the worst movies of all time at IMDB.

All three movies get no more than one star at Netflix. Many of the other more choice ones from the thread weren’t on Netflix at all. Sorry.

POLL RESULTS: looks like I’m watching HOUSE OF THE DEAD. Ugh.

Poll is at the top of the post. (more…)

I’ve recovered from Hercules In New York.

Next theme: Horror. Trick or treat, ye fairies! Give me your nominations and we’ll vote next week.

File under: Schwartzenegger wrestles man in bear suit.

Movies that involve the Greek gods are always problematic. Clash of the Titans, Troy, you name it — they’re all fairly mediocre. Hercules In New York, a 1969 masterpiece and Arnold Schwartzenegger’s first feature film, seems to recognize this problem and confronts things head-on — by deliberately making the film as terrible as possible from the onset.

Some of you may recall the movie Scanners, in which people with telekinetic abilities make other people’s heads explode. Upon viewing Hercules in New York, I have become convinced that either Schwartzenegger or the film’s producer, Aubrey Wisberg, are in fact Scanners themselves, planted among us to snare the unsuspecting and make their heads asplode. (more…)

The next Cinemasochist theme: “Swords and Sorcery.” Let’s have it folks, name the worst of ‘em.

Here’s your chance to go medieval on my ass, I suppose. I’ll post a poll from your suggestions in a day or two.

UPDATE: as a special treat, I will watch and review BOTH Quest of the Delta Knights AND Hercules in New York. Enjoy!

People have been raving about Most eXtreme Primate for years, and at last I know what all the hype is about. (more…)

Man, this is an unappetizing week. THE WINNER: Most Xtreme Primate.

Saints and angels preserve us.

OK folks, have fun with this one:

Movies with an animal or animals as a primary character.

For example, Ed and Dunston Checks In qualify, as does The Cat From Outer Space. But bad movies that just happen to have an animal don’t count, like Tarzan the Ape Man or Teen Wolf Too.

So what’s the worst of them? Choose now, then on Friday we’ll vote.

The horror. The horror. (more…)