There’s a scene in the new Robin Hood where Sir Walter Locksley (played by Max von Sydow, a Swede) tells Robin (played by Russell Crowe, an Australian) that he stinks.

Oh, how apt. (more…)

I didn’t think so.

What a great season. John “Trinity Killer” Lithgow was inspired casting [1] and the ending — oh the ending! There are few shows that make me as deliciously uncomfortable as this. I live in constant fear that Dex will be caught. Never have I enjoyed sociopaths — nor wanted them to succeed — this much.

There’s no way he can tell the police about Rita is there? All roads to Trinity lead back to him.

Best thing on US telly.

1. The scene where he made the woman jump from the building was supremely nasty in a good nasty kind of way.

There’s a British First World War propaganda poster that has a young girl sitting on her father’s knee asking, “Daddy, what did you do in the Great War?” The father looks wistfully into the distance. Will he admit to doing nothing, thus admitting cowardice to his beloved daughter? Or will he be able to proudly tell of his heroics fighting the Hun on the western front?

A day of reckoning is approaching, dear Kulturblogger, if it hasn’t already. Soon one of your children will ask, “Daddy (or mummy), did you like Nirvana?” (more…)

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I have previously shared my love for Pearl Jam on the pages of Der Kulturblog. At this point, I’d like to invite PJ haters to isch poff, lest they offend my family, my honour, and my ripped jeans. Yes, yes, we all know Mudhoney are more genuinely grunge; and yes, PJ derivatives such as Nickelback suck with much suckitude.

Still, no reason to hate the mighty PJ. You want Sub Pop credentials? I give you Gossard/Ament’s origins with Green River. And the fact that the Eddie Vedder baritone has been mimicked by a generation of Bo Bice’s is as relevant as the Mexico Beatle is to the beauty of the VW Bug. (On a side note, how good is Vedder’s Into the Wild album?) (more…)

George Lucas’s cruel ravaging* of poor Indy was only the latest in a long line of crimes committed by the bearded one. Thankfully the new Lucasfilm series Star Wars: The Clone Wars features George only in an executive role. That’s probably why it’s good. (more…)

Best film I’ve seen in ages. (more…)

Not really Red Bull Cola, but rather cola made by Red Bull. Given the phenomenal success of their overpriced taurine elixir, it makes sense for Austria-based Red Bull to further attack the soft drinks market. Alas for Herr Mateschitz, I suspect their cola is doomed to fail. Our years of guzzling phosphoric corn-syrup (or worse, artificial sweetener) means that any new cola is unlikely to taste quite right. And that’s the problem with Red Bull Cola. They want it to taste vaguely exotic.* Instead it just tastes…off, like a cheap Walmart copy. And that’s a problem. Still, it’s worth a try, although you may have to live in Nevada to do so. According to the Red Bull website, Red Bull Cola is only available in a select number of European countries and… Las Vegas.

*Red Bull GmbH would have you believe that their cola contains coca leaf, kola nut, lemon/lime, clove, cinnamon, cardamom, pine, corn mint, galangal, vanilla, ginger, mace, cocoa, liquorice, orange, mustard seeds, and caffeine from coffee beans. Oh, and nothing “artificial.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lost Boys.

If you were to hang around with my boys (8 and 4) for long enough, chances are you’d hear them sing the following refrain:

You gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you’ll find love, I will possess your heart.

(more…)

The first scene of Indy IV is so shockingly awful that you wonder whether it was intended to be so. I suspect they filmed it right at the end knowing that the pile of crap they had in front of them might as well stink from the first frame onwards. That way you at least know what you’re going to expect. Hopes immediately crushed, you can then concentrate on snogging your date or enjoying silent popcorn burps. I suppose we should be grateful.

I’m not going to describe the particular abomination in question because some things should be experienced in their full, unanticipated splendour. Let’s just say that Lucas and Spielberg have opened their bladder over the Indiana Jones of yore and should both be arrested for a display of public immorality that even Binks rose above. Yes, you heard it right: Phantom Menace was better. Indy IV is a leaden, dull, dimwitted, tiring piece of cinematic Scheiss. If you are on the fence about seeing it, please don’t go. Do not reward their sorry arses.

News of the Death Cab album got me to looking at tickets for their Birmingham, UK gig in July.

Tickets are £15. Except they’re not. They’re £17.60 (with booking fee). Except they’re not. They’re £22.40 (with transaction fee). Now, if I can dig deep for £15, I can dig deep for an extra seven quid ($14), but something about the whole system bugs the hell out of me. So much so that I can’t bring myself to cup the balls of these ticket pimps. Alas for Pearl Jam’s failed crusade.

Watching old Rage Against the Machine videos on Youtube got me all nostalgic for my moshing days. Mosh-pit anarchy was a heady but dangerous intoxicant in my late teens — couple the adrenalin of the crowd-surf with a kick in the head by a stray Doc Marten. The surge of the pit could be terrifying at times — witness the tragedy at Roskilde — but there was simply no way I could go to a concert and not join the animals at the front, no matter how bad they stank. (more…)

How to scare the crap out of people, but still maintain your integrity (take note, oh ye torture-pornographers):

Take a kid wearing a holy-frak-that’s-horrible hood. Add nasty old lady. Have a little boy talk to imaginary friends. Show very little, imply a lot. Set movie in Spain in an creepy house which makes all manner of gawd-awful noises. Stir.

The Orphanage is like The Others but without the cloying annoyingness of Nicole Kidman. Rookie Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona has cooked up a real chiller while simultaneously avoiding the gore and banality of recent Hollywood horror. The genius of the film is that it’s only a ghost story to a certain point. I don’t want to give anything away, but when it’s over you’ll be wondering what was supernatural and what wasn’t. Watch it before the American remake.

I don’t know whether it’s reached America yet, but prepare yourselves for the new BBC children’s show, In the Night Garden. I cannot even begin to explain how crazy little British kids are for the exploits of Upsy Daisy, Igglepiggle, Makka Pakka, the Pontipines, the Wottingers, the Haahoos, and the Tombliboos. My daughter sits transfixed by what can only be described as the kids’ TV equivalent of a deep, warm bath with candles and incense. I love it too and constantly try to coax my daughter into speaking ITNG-language: “TOM-bi-lee-boooos,” “Daaysy-Doooo,” etc. If it comes to PBS, be sure to watch. Put your pajamas on and make yourself a hot drink.

It used to be said that Harrison Ford had never been in a bad movie. Man, did that change. Let’s see if the body of Han Solo’s work is now mostly good or mostly crap. Crude scoring as follows: 10 for good, 5 for OK, 0 for rubbish. If his average is above 5 then we can still consider Ford’s career as good. (more…)

Lucasfilm’s new Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon will be given a theatrical release before running on Cartoon Network and TNT. (more…)

Here are a few internet music toys that I have found useful. Please share others. (more…)

I’m intrigued. Someone go and see it. As for The Host, the opening 20 minutes — when the creature is revealed — is wonderful. The rest of the film is a weird combination of horror and slapstick. And speaking of Korean cinema, if you haven’t seen Oldboy, repent immediately.

America,
You are spending your money on a total of two good movies in the current top ten. Here’s your Fug Score: (more…)

Holy shiz. (more…)

The best thing about moving home after a long stay abroad are all the boxes with things you’d forgotten you’d missed. Among a bunch of dusty CD’s, I found the following gems, all dated 1991-93: (more…)

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The ultimate in lo-fi horror. Note to lame re-makers: it’s a pretty subtle film)
2. Psycho (Because in 1960, Mrs Bates would have given you nightmares for weeks)
3. The Vanishing (Belgian version. The banality of evil, Low Countries style. Painful, horrible ending)
4. Dark Water (Japanese version. So, if I just saw my daughter come out of the apartment, who the hell is this girl with me in the elevator?)
5. Alien (Claustrophobia and HR Giger = perfect)
6. Halloween (Michael Myers)
7. Sixth Sense (Very creepy)
8. Ringu (Either version)
9. Freaks (Real 1930′s circus freaks out for revenge. Disturbing)
10. Last House on the Left (Do not watch this film. You have been warned)

Close but no machete: The Exorcist, Blair Witch Project, Candyman, The Wicker Man (not the rubbish Nic Cage version), plus many more.

Old gits like me watch the Reading Festival on the telly. This sad situation is made especially depressing by the sight of the teenage crowd singing along with the Chili Peppers. I mean, these kids were in nappies when Under the Bridge first entered MTV rotation. Said young whippersnappers included my nephew this year, who, dammit, is cooler than me.

Sigh.

Anyway, from the vantage point of my clean Ikea sofa, and wearing my new slippers, here are a few acts I enjoyed this year (CSS, The Gossip, New Young Pony Club): (more…)

Just for fun, I ran the current US box office top ten through the Fug-o-meter. Here are the scores:

1 Superbad — 81
2 Rush Hour 3 — 55
**3 The Bourne Ultimatum — 85**
4 The Simpsons Movie — 80
5 The Invasion — 53
6 Stardust — 74
7 Hairspray — 81
8 Underdog — 36
9 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — 74
10 I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry –50

Good bets have 80 or more Fugs. All in all a pretty evenly divided week: some good, some ok, some stinkers.

Underdog?!

****
The Fug Score averages the Metacritic score and the IMDB user rating. The Fug Score does not lie.