Entenmann’s Pop’ems: The Most Odious Food Product Ever
Donut holes are a beautiful snack food: small, pop-able, fried. Like all pastries, donut holes are best fresh, but they’re a pretty robust food product—eating donut holes is always a positive experience. Sure, they’re not always melt-in-your-mouth scrumptious like fresh-off-the-assembly-line Krispy Kreme glazed donut holes, but even those boxes of preservative-packed, dense donut holes that you buy at convenience stores are a treat, especially when washed down with convenience store chocolate milk.
Yesterday, however, it was my distinct misfortune to encounter Entenmann’s Pop’ems, the most odious food product ever. When I got home yesterday I found a box of Pop’ems on the kitchen counter. Usually I can resist the siren song of dessert before dinner, but donut holes are such little, harmless things—just one can’t hurt. So I popped a Pop’em and for the first few seconds I was satisfied with my donut hole. It was a bit heavy and the glaze was kind of moist and greasy instead of glaze-like, but whatever—it was a donut hole. Then slowly I began to feel a flavorless waxy residue coating my tongue and the roof of my mouth. By the time I swallowed the thing I had what you might call a matte lacquer finish on the inside of my mouth. So well-varnished was my mouth that I could have easily eaten one of those insanity peppers that Homer ate after he coated his mouth with melted candle wax. It took half a minute before I was able to work my way through the waxy coating and rid myself of the aftereffects of that little shortening bomb.
So Entenmann’s Pop’ems are disgusting. But a food product being disgusting isn’t enough for me to feel active contempt for it. Most disgusting things—black licorice, for instance—I just leave alone. I don’t feel hatred for black licorice, I just don’t want to eat it. But I hate Entenmann’s Pop’ems because they are in the form of something that should be delicious, but they are revolting. I hate them for tricking me, for building up my hopes for a satisfying morsel and then crushing me under a deluge of waxy shortening. And I hate them because not only do they fail to live up to their promise as donut holes, but they go out of their way to assault you with unpleasantness. I wondered aloud as I recovered, “Do they even taste these things before they send them out?” It seems impossible that they wouldn’t. But then again, I used to think it was impossible for donut holes to be disgusting.
Hear, hear!
Comment by Supergenius — October 19, 2007 @ 3:31 pm
Those of you in the West may not have encountered Entenmann’s brand baked goods before. They’re everywhere in the East. They have some decent boxed danishes and coffee cakes, but I have never liked any of their donut products. None of them has been as bad as Poop’ems, though.
And my kids did end up eating them without complaint. The weirdos.
Comment by Tom — October 19, 2007 @ 3:32 pm
Entenmann’s products are available in California. I actually kind of like their glazed buttermilk donuts (but only when I’m desperate). Speaking of shortening bombs… Little Debbie (anything).
The best donuts in the world can, of course, be found at Dream Fluff bakery on Claremont (just off of College Ave.) in Berkeley.
Comment by William Morris — October 19, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Huh. Maybe they skipped the middle of the country because I can’t remember ever seeing them in Utah. Or maybe I’m just not very observant.
Comment by Tom — October 19, 2007 @ 3:39 pm
Entenmann’s are available in Utah. That’s where I was introduced to the wonderfulness that is the big chocolate donut. (I used to get them at Albertson’s, but most often at Fred Meyer). But their chocolate cake? Divine.
Comment by gabby — October 19, 2007 @ 4:38 pm
Sorry to hear about those donut holes – they sound truly revolting. And it’s all the more disappointing because Entenmann’s cream cheese coffee cake is excellent, so good that it is possible to eat half the cake at once.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Comment by Mark IV — October 19, 2007 @ 5:27 pm
I sure miss the Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts. I don’t know if our Krispy Kreme even sells donut holes, although I have seen some KK ones in a convenience store. (?)
Thanks for the warning, Tom. =)
Now I think I want some of those chocolate frosted mini donuts (gems?) Mmmmmm, refrigerated goodness.
Comment by FHL — October 19, 2007 @ 6:25 pm
Hehe. Nice review Tom.
Comment by Geoff J — October 19, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Black licorice is yummy.
Comment by tracy m — October 19, 2007 @ 11:10 pm
mmmmmmmmmmunchkins…………….
This was a great description of shorteningness. I, too, love the cream cheese coffee cake so I feel your pain.
Comment by claire — October 22, 2007 @ 5:43 pm
Oh no, no, no!
I can’t eat enough Pop’Ems.
Comment by D. Fletcher — October 25, 2007 @ 8:56 pm
I was wondering if there might be some demented soul out there who would stick up for Pop’ems. Does the waxy residue not bother you? Or do you not taste it?
Maybe this is a genetic thing. Like how some people can’t taste certain chemicals because they lack a certain gene.
Comment by Tom — October 26, 2007 @ 7:28 am
I serve Pop’Ems at choir practice. Everyone sings better. Maybe it’s the wax?
Comment by D. Fletcher — October 26, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Black licorice is good. So are donut holes. What else helps the choir?
Comment by Pam — October 31, 2007 @ 7:49 pm
I’ve never had a bad experience with Entenmann’s. ‘Always thought of them as the crown of pre-packaged baked goodies. Now, I don’t doubt your taste buds: however, I prefer to think that you ran into a bad box. You should have complained to Entenmann’s…
This past Spring, e.g., I bought a box of corn flakes at the 99 cent store that tasted like crunchy cardboard! It was so awful, I sent feedback to the company that made it and was surprised with not only a “thank you” and “we’re sorry,” but a $5.00 VISA gift card! The upshot was that my box (I even sent pictures of the box codes) was old. (I’ve since tried a normal box of those flakes and enjoyed it thoroughly…)
When you direct it to the right source, sometimes whining pays…
Comment by Gabrielle — November 4, 2009 @ 3:28 pm