It was a nightmare. Blood, corpses, the stench of the dead everywhere.

And then I watched the movie.

Uwe (pronounced “oova”) Boll (pronounced “crap”) is the esteemed director of Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, and other video game adaptation films. He is noteworthy because his German production company finances Boll’s own films for him. This fact will become important later in the review.

Some background to the movie may be of use to you: House of the Dead is a famous arcade game, in which you shoot zombies with a light gun as you stroll through a haunted house. Carnage, surprise and thrills ensue. There is a threadbare shell of a plot to the game, as the wikipedia notes:

In the year 1998, AMS agents Thomas Rogan and “G” are sent on an assignment to investigate a panicked phone call and a series of disappearances at a mansion inhabited by Dr. Curien, a mad scientist. Curien was known for dangerous, inhumane experiments. The result of the experiments are apparent the moment they arrive - biologically engineered zombies, murderous and thirsty for blood.

Ahhhhhh, tapping from the well of genetic zombie experiments! What could possibly go wrong in a movie version of such a horn of bloody plenty? After all, the game itself has several iterations, including a typing tutor version. Only those who confuse this film with the Dostoevsky novel of the same name would be disappointed. Right?

Ah, well, yes, as a matter of fact, you’d be disappointed no matter how you approach this particular zombiefartbomb. The “plot” of the film has nothing to do with the “plot” of the movie: a group of kids go that infamous isolated Puget Sound island, Isla del Muerte, for a “rave,” only to discover that something truly HORRIBLE!! has happened on the island. The rave itself consists of a topless woman and 15 people in front of a Sega banner, but let’s leave that for a moment to discuss a few initial oddities. First, the captain of the boat that takes them to the island is named Captain Kirk, a fact which is played to HILARIOUS! effect. Second, the captain is played by Jurgen Prochnow of Das Boot fame, who is so obviously self-loathing for being involved in such a complete turdball of a film that his looks scream “kill me” even before his character does. Finally, his first mate is played by B-movie celeb Clint Howard, who clearly has been hitting the tranya a little hard, again to HILARIOUS! effect.

As you can tell, I’m circling around the review itself, because the film itself was so stench-ridden and loathesome. OK, here it is. Once the kids get to the island and we’re done with the obligatory semi-comedic T&A, and we actually get to see the zombies in all their terror, it’s supremely underwhelming. The makeup is bad — a fact you only notice peripherally because the zombies are busy jumping over hedges on trampolines and flying towards the camera via zombie catapults. I’m not joking - they have stunt catapults, intended to hurl the stuntmen zombies in frightening ways, but typically you don’t see the actual trampolines or catapults, complete with LED control screen, RIGHT THERE at the bottom of the screen.

As viewer, however, you might not notice even the zombipults, because your brain will be busy trying to understand why clips of the ACTUAL GAME are interspersed during the movie. Yes, you’ll be watching a scene where the actors are shooting zombies, then all of a sudden you’ll see this pixellated clip of the videogame, with the screen showing high score, “RELOAD!” and everything. Apparently this was a deliberate act on Boll’s part.

Also apparently deliberate was the decision to purchase some Matrix-style freezecam technology, and use it OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again during one 12-minute scene, freezing the action when nothing in particular is happening at all. Add to the list of deliberate crimes the invention of some sort of turntable-like camera platform, which does 360-degree style shots of a scene but without the cool Matrix effect. A fact that will astonish and dismay you: House of the Dead featured a $12 million production budget. WHERE DID IT ALL GO?

Perhaps it went to the oppressive German techno soundtrack that blaringly invades during any action sequence. Or to the actual “House” of the Dead, where something like 10 minutes of the film takes place, and which is little more than a shack. Or to the AMAZING B&W flashback sequence set in times of yore when the Spanish conquistadors first came to the Puget Sound, evil immortal priests in tow. Sigh. It certainly didn’t go towards actual acting or effects: you never see anyone actually killed by the zombies. NOT ONCE. At each killing the camera flashes away with a scream in the background, as if it is just too horrible to be shown on film. George Romero is featured on the DVD extras, presumably as a striking counterpoint on how to make a zombie movie. Why, George, why??

Still, I suppose I should be grateful that there is plenty of poorly-crafted and shoddily edited action in House of the Dead; it spares us from the completely stupid dialogue which otherwise inhabits the film. For example:

Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why?
Castillo: To live forever!

I found an excellent interview online with Uwe Boll; I recommend you read it in its entirety, as it is an exceptional glimpse into the mind of madness. But I shall leave you with a quote, in case you’re too lazy to read the interview yourself:

Let’s be realistic, what is House of the Dead? House of the Dead is a brainless shooter, where you shoot zombies into pieces. So what are you expecting from the movie, Schindler’s List?… I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie, because it really shows how the game is. It’s a lot of fun, it’s over-the-top action - it’s not 28 Days Later, because the reality is that House of the Dead is about how it’s a lot of fun to shoot zombies… It’s cheesy entertainment with a lot of gore and a lot of violence, and it’s super-fast.

I hate you, Uwe. I HATE YOU.