Cinemasochist review: Hercules In New York
File under: Schwartzenegger wrestles man in bear suit.
Movies that involve the Greek gods are always problematic. Clash of the Titans, Troy, you name it — they’re all fairly mediocre. Hercules In New York, a 1969 masterpiece and Arnold Schwartzenegger’s first feature film, seems to recognize this problem and confronts things head-on — by deliberately making the film as terrible as possible from the onset.
Some of you may recall the movie Scanners, in which people with telekinetic abilities make other people’s heads explode. Upon viewing Hercules in New York, I have become convinced that either Schwartzenegger or the film’s producer, Aubrey Wisberg, are in fact Scanners themselves, planted among us to snare the unsuspecting and make their heads asplode.
Having walked through the fires of MXP and The Pirate Movie, I felt prepared to withstand the firey blasts of Hercules. How foolish I was. As Arnold himself tells us (repeatedly), “I am Herkooolies!”
I should have realized this.
Schwartzenegger, billed inexplicably in the film as “Arnold Strong,” plays his role with relish and speaks as if he came straight from Mount Olympoooos (if such a mountain exists somewhere in the Austrian Alps). He is basically incomprehensible, which oddly suits this meandering bizarro-film, which is little more than cinematic pretext for Ahnold to take off his shirt and wrestle.
Plot? Why, the title alone gives you all the plot you need, my friend. Herkooolies tires of Zeus’ company and decides to go play around in the Big Apple. He befriends an INCREDIBLY IRRITATING pretzel salesman (named “Pretzi,” of course) and gets a gig as a wrestler. Sigh. Meanwhile Zeus is enraged at Herkoolies’ insolence and sends Nemesis to punish him, and…. oh, I have no clue. Barrels are involved somehow. And a bear. I really can’t tell you more than that, because it passed by me as if in a dream. This is laudanum in digital form, folks. Were I a modern Coleridge, I would set the film on repeat and compose Kubla Khan after Kubla Khan.
Let me share with you two clips of the film that I feel are representative of the work as a whole. First is the most wonderful bear-suit wrestling match that celluloid has ever witnessed. The second clip shows a pivotal moment when Herkoolies becomes enraged at a movie version of himself, and takes of his shirt in typical protest. Do you hear balalikas playing in both these clips? Yes, you do — because the ENTIRE MOVIE is full of them, as if the sound editing booth was in the back of some truck that sells gyros.
Sigh. Let’s move on, shall we? My eyes — the goggles do nothing! Help me, Herkoolies!
I saw this on TV a few years ago and it wasn’t Arnold’s voice. The voice dubbing was distracting. I’d like too see/hear a side by side comparison to know which is better, the comedy value of Ahhhnuld or the ease of understanding the dub (plus the comedy value of the dub!)
Comment by a random John — September 28, 2006 @ 3:54 pm
Steve, I commend you for your bravery in taking on such a horrible movie and still being conscious enough to write the review.
Comment by danithew — September 28, 2006 @ 4:00 pm
My question is, since when is the balalaika uniquely Austro-Greek? My memory of Back in the USSR speaks of a different ethnic origin.
Comment by HP — September 29, 2006 @ 8:39 am
That’s my governator.
Comment by Susan M — September 29, 2006 @ 9:01 am
As a committed Arnold fan I have watched all of his movies including his bodybuilding documentary (Pumping Iron) hundreds of times over, as well as the behind the scene footage. It was in this extra footage of the documentary that I learned a bit of information that might dismiss a few hatreds about Arnold in this film.
Arnold was asked to do this film right after arriving in the US from Austria. He didn’t speak much English at this point and still possessed his heavy accent. Arnold had come to the United States to further his bodybuilding career, not necessarily for acting. Of course this was a horrible film, but it can not be solely be blamed on him. I put the majority of the blame on a horrible producer and director. Although I am a bit biased, I still proudly support the 7 time Mr. Olympia and Governor of California.
Comment by Taylor T. — September 29, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
T, you take fandom to new levels, man. Let’s be honest, though — Predator is the best Schwartzenegger movie.
Comment by Supergenius — September 29, 2006 @ 12:17 pm
Awesome. I had no idea that there were dedicated Ahnuld apologists out there.
Comment by Tom — September 29, 2006 @ 12:18 pm
The best Arnold movie is The Last Action Hero.
And Arnold rules.
Comment by Susan M — September 29, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
Sadly, Susan, it is SG who is correct in this instance. The best Arnold movie is Predator (then T2). The best Arnie line is, now and forever, “Its not a TEUMOOOOOR!”
Comment by HP — September 29, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
The best Arnold film would have to be somewhere between the two movies mentioned (Last Action Hero and Predtor) each having their own glory in humor or killer action sequences.
Comment by Taylor T. — September 29, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
HP, you maybe correct about the best Arnold movies, but the quote of all quotes by Arnold is an long quote from his workout documentary, Pumping Iron, in which he talks about an aspect of wieghtlifting deemed “The Pump.” If you have never seen the movie it is worth it just to hear his 3 minute monologue about muscles filling with blood.
Comment by Taylor T. — September 29, 2006 @ 12:38 pm
I’d have to go with True Lies.
Last Action Hero was deplorable. Quite possibly in the Top 10 worst action movies of all time list. Even Arnold made fun of it on Letterman.
Comment by Tim J. — September 29, 2006 @ 12:40 pm
I know after rereading that comment that it does not sound too exciting, but this quote brings out the true arrogance and humor of The Govenator
Comment by Taylor T. — September 29, 2006 @ 12:42 pm
Tim, a good call on True Lies, but if you watch them back-to-back I think you’ll find there’s no comparison. Predator is one of John McTiernan’s best (besides Die Hard). James Cameron is a good director, but True Lies isn’t the top of his game. It has a good flow, good narrative — in many ways it’s a better overall production than Predator, but it lack the raw, visceral action of the other. It’s a tic-tac to Predator’s Altoid.
Comment by Supergenius — September 29, 2006 @ 2:38 pm
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86nhercules.phtml
King Laetes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!
Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.
King Laetes: So! The Mighty Hercules!
Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laetes, I plan to start a new regimen - hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.
Comment by Bryce I — September 29, 2006 @ 2:41 pm
“By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!”
Comment by Supergenius — September 29, 2006 @ 2:42 pm
Don’t get me wrong, I like Predator. Any action movie starring two future Governors (Jesse Ventura being the other) can’t be all bad. But True Lies is about as fun to watch as a movie can be.
One of McTiernan’s best? You mean its better than Rollerball? The 13th Warrior? Surely you jest.
Comment by Tim J. — September 29, 2006 @ 2:49 pm
LOL, better than Rollerball — a lofty standard, I realize! Look, if I weren’t utterly in love with Die Hard, I’d put Predator as McTiernan’s best, period.
Yes, True Lies is fun to watch - it’s got good humor and a smooth feel to it that is very Cameron-esque. But I think you could have swapped out Schwartzy and put in any other actor, with largely the same result. It’s not an Ahnold film, really - which is why I set it apart. Whereas Predator? Dude, that’s AHHHNOLD!
Comment by Supergenius — September 29, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
How anyone can say Predator is better than either of the first two Terminators is beyond me.
Comment by Susan M — September 29, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
SG,
I get it now. And based on that argument, I agree with you.
Comment by Tim J. — September 29, 2006 @ 6:21 pm
I think it is that Ahnold is (mostly) human in Predator while wholly robot in the Terminators. Admittedly, it is hard to tell the difference.
Comment by HP — September 29, 2006 @ 6:22 pm
True Lies has that weird half-mysogyny half-female empowerment angle I can’t quite figure out. Still it is by far the best James Bond type film done since Connery hung up his toupee.
I have to guiltily admit that after 9/11 to get cheered up I watched that film many times. Still while I really like it, it is more a comedy and doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s one of Cameron’s weakest films. (Well, I don’t really consider Titanic a *real* Cameron film, nor that one about the flying piaranas since he was booted off it as I recall)
Comment by clark — October 1, 2006 @ 7:59 pm
Yeah, this was a bad one. The voice dubbing was one of the strangest things about it, but Arnie’s accent was so bad no one could understand him if they hadn’t done it.
For years after I first saw this (early 1990s), I thought the title was “Hercules Goes Bananas in New York”. Thanks for setting me straight on that through this post.
Comment by john f. — October 2, 2006 @ 10:01 am