Next Cinemasochist Theme — UPDATED

by Supergenius

The next Cinemasochist theme: “Swords and Sorcery.” Let’s have it folks, name the worst of ‘em.

Here’s your chance to go medieval on my ass, I suppose. I’ll post a poll from your suggestions in a day or two.

UPDATE: as a special treat, I will watch and review BOTH Quest of the Delta Knights AND Hercules in New York. Enjoy!

33 Comments

  1. Yor, the hunter from the Future?

    The recent Wayans infested Dungeons and Dragons?

    Legend?

    Hercules in New York?

    Comment by HP — August 23, 2006 @ 6:20 pm

  2. Yor rulez. Where’s the love for Krull?

    Comment by Supergenius — August 23, 2006 @ 6:42 pm

  3. Dungeons & Dragons and Legend immediately came to my mind as well. I believe D&D had a sequel. I didn’t see it, but I can’t imagine it was any better than the first.

    What about the old “Black Cauldron” and “Dark Crystal” movies?

    Comment by Tim J. — August 23, 2006 @ 7:34 pm

  4. Here we go. Dungeon and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God

    Comment by Tim J. — August 23, 2006 @ 8:11 pm

  5. Tim, those were good. Well, I actually don’t remember them. But I think I liked them when they came out.

    Comment by Allison — August 23, 2006 @ 8:13 pm

  6. I assume you’re talking about the “Black Cauldron/Dark Crystal” movies. I vaguely remeber them as well. But they might be fun to review, after all, “Pirate Movie” wasn’t that bad when it came out either–or so some of you say.

    Two more:
    Beastmaster
    Red Sonja

    Comment by Tim J. — August 23, 2006 @ 8:27 pm

  7. Man, oh, man. We got to do better. Beastmaster? That’s like half good. Beastmaster has weasel friends that are quite entertaining.

    No, may I suggest Quest of the Delta Knights.

    Worst fantasy movie I’ve ever seen. IMDB rating of 3.4.

    Comment by Brian G — August 23, 2006 @ 11:34 pm

  8. What was that awesome one from the 80s where the barbarian hero had a sword with three (count ‘em, three!) blades? I vote for that one.

    I had one of the early Krull comics (or was it a graphic novel?) back in the day. It was a bit mature for me at the time if I remember correctly…

    Comment by Geoff J — August 24, 2006 @ 12:59 am

  9. Ok, I found it:

    The Sword and the Sorcerer

    I vote for that one. (Because I’m cruel like that…)

    Comment by Geoff J — August 24, 2006 @ 1:01 am

  10. He Man movie.

    Comment by Ronan — August 24, 2006 @ 2:53 am

  11. Master’s of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren? Great Movie.

    If you like Beastmaster, then what about Beastmaster 2, where he enters a time portal and is sent to present day.

    Quest of the Delta Knights is pretty bad. Doesn’t one guy play three different parts?

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 5:48 am

  12. I think we’re taking the wrong approach. We should subject him to the lamest of the princess movies. Like Cinderella Part II: Dreams Do Come True.

    Hmmmm…

    Comment by Allison — August 24, 2006 @ 6:24 am

  13. …except there’s no sorcery in that one. There are some swords, though.

    Comment by Allison — August 24, 2006 @ 6:25 am

  14. If you want to go through the old MST3K catalog (of which the Delta Knights is a part (and it is horrible)), then there is a wealth of Hercules movies out there to subject SG to.

    Comment by HP — August 24, 2006 @ 6:39 am

  15. Pizza, Pizza!

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 7:19 am

  16. Sheena.

    Comment by Susan M — August 24, 2006 @ 8:50 am

  17. Sheena was bad, but I don’t know if it qualifies. I don’t remeber any swords or sorcery in that. Plus, I don’t want to subject SG to Tanya Roberts bathing in the nude. :)

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 8:57 am

  18. Geoff, I’ve seen the Sword and the Sorcerer, several times. delightful.

    And Brian is right — the Beastmaster series IS a treat.

    Comment by Supergenius — August 24, 2006 @ 10:18 am

  19. Neverending Story III

    Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

    Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

    Conan the Destroyer

    Highlander II: The Quickening

    Highlander III: The Sorcerer

    Comment by Jennifer — August 24, 2006 @ 11:09 am

  20. Hercules in New York might be a good worst way to go. I haven’t seen it but a number of factors could work in its favor:

    1) it was filmed in 1970
    2) it’s a low-budget film
    3) it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first film
    4) they use a dubbed voice because Arnold’s English wasn’t all that great
    5) it has also been released under the name “Hercules Goes Bananas”

    Looks like potential misery to me.

    Comment by danithew — August 24, 2006 @ 11:11 am

  21. RE: Hercules in NY

    I don’t think it had anything to do with Swords or Sorcery.

    I forgot about the Highlander movies. The first one was good, the second deserved a “Huh?” The third was almost as bad, and the last one where they tried to bring the Movie and TV series together failed miserably.

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 12:04 pm

  22. Tim, there was definitely sorcery in Hercules in NY.

    Comment by Supergenius — August 24, 2006 @ 12:11 pm

  23. But no swords.

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 12:12 pm

  24. BTW, if you are counting Hercules in NY, it wins…for all the reasons danithew lists.

    Comment by Tim J. — August 24, 2006 @ 12:13 pm

  25. SG,
    If you want some relief to the suffering, I could send you my copy of the MST3K version of Quest of the Delta Knights. Also, for you fans of mormon cinema, Tee of “Quest” fame grows up to be “Deacon” in Saints and Soldiers.

    Comment by HP — August 24, 2006 @ 2:45 pm

  26. I have seen the last 20 or 30 minutes of Hercules in NY. It is terrible, but doesn’t really involve magic or even swords. If I remember correctly the climactic scene involves a warehouse and a lot of cardboard boxes, and maybe rifles.

    Comment by a random John — August 24, 2006 @ 5:40 pm

  27. Geoff, I’ve seen the Sword and the Sorcerer, several times. delightful.

    Sicko.

    Comment by Geoff J — August 24, 2006 @ 11:32 pm

  28. Just watched Time Bandits tonight. Interestingly the guy who plays “evil” in Time Bandits is also in Quest of the Delta Knights. He is also Sark in TRON, which is probably why I found him creepy in Time Bandits.

    Also some kid in Delta Knights is from SLC:
    http://imdb.com/name/nm0021607/

    Comment by a random John — August 25, 2006 @ 10:00 pm

  29. I vote for a kid in king arthur’s court. It’s about a loser kid that falls into a big crack in the ground at a baseball game during an earthquake sending him back into time to medival times. CLASSIC!

    Comment by Taylor T — August 29, 2006 @ 11:11 am

  30. Hands down: Sorceress

    The Dungeons & Dragons Movie was also hideous, but nowhere near as diabolically awful as Sorceress.

    Comment by Extreme Dorito — August 29, 2006 @ 11:31 am

  31. Sad news: Quest of the Delta Knights is not available on Netflix. Looks like you’ll only get me to watch Hercules in NY, suckas!!

    Comment by Supergenius — September 8, 2006 @ 1:25 pm

  32. SG,
    As I said, I could mail you my MST3K copy of Quest of the Delta Nights, although it wouldn’t be nearly as excruciating as sitting through the whole thing.

    Nonetheless, when will you be watching this?

    Comment by HP — September 18, 2006 @ 9:11 am

  33. Watching it this week. I know, I know.

    Comment by Supergenius — September 18, 2006 @ 2:26 pm