People have been raving about Most eXtreme Primate for years, and at last I know what all the hype is about.

Yes, it’s a monkey movie. Yes, the monkey snowboards. But I was completely unprepared to how cerebral, how gripping, how eXtreme MXP turned out to be. To say that it’s a film about a snowboarding chimp is like saying that Tron is about some dude that gets sucked into a computer. For example, the film also reveals (SPOILERS):

- Monkey scrapbooking
- Monkey Model U.N.
- Monkey illegal immigration
- Monkey food services
- Monkey emergency preparedness
- Monkey rendition of the duet from An American Tail
- Monkey snowshoeing
- Monkey XBox (actually, there is a lot of this)
- Monkey use of The Clapper
- Monkey shaving (with a BLADE!)
- Monkey Intelligent Design debate (I kid you not);
and, darkest of all: Monkey substance abuse.

The raw power and majesty of these creatures entranced me from the opening scenes. Dian Fossey had never gazed with such rapture at the simple grace of a chimp in a sombrero walking slowly down a snowy lane. And yet, where was the eXtreme-ness? 40 minutes into the film, and the monkey had yet to engage in nordic sports of any kind. If Monkey Winter Biathlon was to show by film’s end, little Jack needed to get shredding ASAP! Alas, he was too busy giving our protagonist the courage he needed to face the mountain and find new friends. Poor Robby Benson and his craphole of a career.

This is more than a mere film: this is cinematic poetry. To give MXP its due, I have written three poems, after the style of three masters. I hope that these odes can at least give you all the slightest glimpse into the wonderment that is MXP:

———————-
Shall I compare MXP to a monkey’s poo?
Thou art more stinky and more ludicrous:
Simian turd will often find the loo,
or be thrown ‘gainst walls to make heavn’ly mess:
Sometime too smelly the poo of monkeys reeks,
And often is its dunny texture thrown,
And every turd from turd betimes shall eke,
By chance, or nature changing dark to brown:
But MXP’s raw odor shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that stench thou know’st,
Nor shall a monkey throw this ‘gainst its cage,
When as eternal DVD thou show’st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to MXP.

———————

Because I hate all Cinema—
I rented MXP—
The Premise showd such miracles—
A Snowboarding Monkey.

It slowly moved—It knew no plot
And I had put away
My cerebrum and my senses too,
For Its Insanity—

It passed the Intro, where Jack wore
Mexican garb—in Colorado—
It passed the middle of Plot Development—
It passed the Snowboard Race—

Or rather—it passed me—
The acting drew quivering & hack—
For only male lead, Robby Benson—
The monkey—only Jack—

I paused before the end that seemed
A Swelling of my Brain
The Theme was scarcely visible—
Denouement—only Pain—

Since then—’tis Minutes—and yet
Feels longer than the Year
I watched 7th Heaven Reruns
Til Blood came from my Ear—

——————
MOST eXtreme PRIMATE is the cruellest movie, bringing
Robby Benson out of the B-list, mixing
Monkey and snowboard, stirring
Dull plot with awful acting.
Vancouver poses as Colorado, covering
a DVD in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried poopers.
Jack the Monkey surprised us, coming over the Dead Man’s Drop
With a shower of snow; we stopped in the special features,
And went on to watch deleted scenes, into the Trailer,
And lost our minds, and watched for an hour.
Bin gar keine Snowboard Körper, stamm’ aus Hölle, echt affe.
And when I could take no more, staring at the DVD cover,
My wife, she made me watch this thing alone,
And I was frightened. She said, Supergenius,
Supergenius, you are a fool. And down I went.
In the mountains, there monkeys feel free.
I watched MXP much of the night, and will now go south in the winter.

shantih shantih shantih.